You Can't Buy Class

Some of my fashion icons are the classiest women I can imagine.  I think the reason they become fashion icons has more to do with the way they present themselves than their actual clothes. Jackie O, Katherine and Audrey Hepburn are my inspiration.  They exude class and confidence which makes them beautiful in anything they wear. After all, she who has confidence in herself will gain the confidence of others.  This is a motto, which every woman should live by. Confidence is the key to success. I am a firm believer that nothing is more powerful. Women today strive for perfection, yet all they really need is a dose of self confidence. Dressing classy also needs an injection of personality; show your personality and inspiration though your clothing. It isn't just about wearing certain clothing it is also about being modest while still being elegant. A few tips to keep in mind when trying to pull off this look:

Groomed Perfection

If you want to exude class you must look the part. Looking the part involves more than clothes, it involves grooming as well. Rule of thumb, the razor is your friend. You can wear short skirts as long as your legs are fit to be seen, especially if you aren't going to wear tights. That means hairless and with the least amount of bruising. If you are someone who doesnt want to shave your legs then don't wear a skirt as the look of hairy legs in a skirt is a bit unsightly.  Obviously this doesn't ring true for little girls or young women who have yet to shave. A good compromise for hairy legs is to wear a Skirt with tights.  Another thing to remember is not to show too much skin. Classy and fashionable women will usually choose to exhibit one bare part of their body at a time.  If you decide to show off your legs be sure you cover up your top.  For example don't go out with your boobs busting out of your top while wearing a mini skirt. It doesn't exactly exude class it will however make you look like trash.  Another thing to remember is to live a healthy lifestyle. Staying healthy and clean will help your classy appearance. Make sure you keep your skin hydrated by drinking lots of water. Never go to bed with makeup on; wash your face and follow with a moisturizer and eye cream. Also, please use deodorants and shower or bathe daily! Body odour is not classy! 

Get Down to the Basics

Classic styles of clothing that were fashionable decades ago remain classy today and will continue to be stylish in the future. Developing a classy wardrobe does not necessarily mean spending a tremendous amount of money. On the contrary, classic fashion is based on several key wardrobe staples. Pulling off the classy look requires confidence, neatness and an overall polished look with a little attention to detail. When choosing the basic garments of your classy wardrobe, remember that trendy pieces are not usually classic pieces. Busy patterns and overly bright colors do not coincide with classy fashion. Choose traditional fits that are neither too tight nor too loose and avoid clothing that is overwhelmingly revealing. Dresses and skirts should cover at least most of your thighs, while tops should cover most -- if not all -- cleavage. Basic, neutral colors, such as whites, browns and black, are always classy. Crisp, collared, button-down blouses, basic knit tops, trousers or slacks, pantsuits and moderate dresses and skirts should make up the bulk of a classic wardrobe. When dressing casual classic, choose white denim pants and pair them with a traditional cardigan.

Choose Shoes and Undergarments Carefully

Every classy woman needs shoes and boots that complement her outfits. However, some footwear is flashy and overzealous. Stick to traditional, elegant styles, such as basic flats or heels. Boots can help complete a classy look if they are a classic style, rather than trendy. Choose a color that will add flair to your outfit without overpowering it.To further help pull off a classic style, remember to wear appropriate undergarments. Wear a slip beneath thin skirts and dresses and wear supportive bras that provide a smooth, seamless look. Underwear lines should not show through your clothing, and showing undergarment straps is unacceptable for the classy woman. If you are wearing a top that could expose a bra strap, consider a strapless bra.

Accessorize Yourself

Once you have mastered the classic look of clothing, concentrate on tasteful adornments. Accessories can be more bold and give you a chance to show your individual style. However, choose only a few pieces to avoid a cluttered look. For example, wear a bright or bold necklace and a ring or bracelet, but do not wear several necklaces, bracelets or rings at once. If you aren't sure if you are wearing too much jewelry, less is more. 

Pay Attention to Details

In addition to accessories, grooming, neatness and posture complete a lady's classy look. Keep your hair well-groomed and wear long hair up in a twist, bun or neat ponytail on windy days. Fingernails should be well-manicured and either buffed or polished with a light, neutral color. Your makeup should be light and neutral, accentuating your features rather than covering them. In the evening, choose one facial feature, such as your eyes or mouth, to accentuate with a bold color. Well pressed clothing in order to look classy is a must, creases should be ironed properly, in jeans, suit trousers and in slacks in order for that classy looked. Purchase a starch spray, which you spray on your clothes just before ironing, this will give you 'the whole outfit has just been dry-cleaned' look.

Posture Pitch

 Start walking with elegance and grace, you are beautiful and you must remember that. Be confident yet not cocky; be gracious and kind to other. Also avoid the potty mouth habits. Nothing is worse than a potty-mouth!

Stay Classy 

Anyone can wear classy clothes but it's the woman who makes the clothes not the clothes that make the woman. Classy women are loving, kind, polite, and considerate. Become those things and you'll exuberated that aura of classiness in no time.  

Therapy Thursday: How to Deal With Life's Hardships

When was the last time you went through a rough patch in life? Maybe you are going through one right now. Maybe you recently lost your job, or you're dealing with a death in your family. Or maybe you are starting to think nothing good will ever happen to you again. Whatever you're dealing with, I want you to know that you're not alone and something good can come from the tough spot you're in right now. Inknow after I have gone through a really hard time, I've looked back and thought that I wouldn't be half the person I am now had I not gone through those hard times. Haven't many of us experienced this? Don't we wish we could just grow in good times?  Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be.  But it is these losses that make us stronger and move us toward future  growth and happiness causing opportunities. I've learned quite a few lessons about dealing with hard times on my journey through life. Maybe they can help you get through a rough patch. 

First things first: Your past does not define you– No matter how chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate. You are not your past habits or failures. You are not how others have at one time treated you. You are only who you think you are right now in this moment. You are only what you do right now in this moment.

Second: A natural Part of growing is having to deal with your problems- part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life.  People lose jobs, get sick, and sometimes die in car accidents.  When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize.  The smartest, and oftentimes hardest, thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions.  To want want to scream bloody murder and throw things or worse, cause harm to something or someone.  Keep in mind that emotional rage only makes matters worse.  And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.

Third: Life is short- There may not be a tomorrow – not for everyone.  Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today.  This is sad but true.  So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it.  Every moment you get is a gift.  Don’t waste time by dwelling on unhappy things.  Spend it on things that move you in the direction you want to go. 

Fourth: Don’t unnessicarily inflate your problems – You should never let one dark cloud fill the whole sky.  The sun is always shining on some part of your life.  Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.

Fifth: Life is full of lessons: Learn from your hardships and failures because everything that happens in life is a lesson- Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc.  They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’  Never forget to acknowledge that especially when things aren't going your way.  If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting.  And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.

Sixth: View every challenge as a learning experience– Ask yourself:  “What is this situation meant to teach me?”  Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us.  Some of these lessons help us become stronger, communicate more clearly, trust your instincts, express your love, forgive, know when to let go, and to try something new.

Seventh: Things change, but we always have tomorrow– The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.

Eigth: Don’t let others make decide for you-Sometimes you just have to live not caring what others think of you, shake off the drama, and prove to YOURSELF that you’re better than they think you are.

Ninth: It’s better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie. – You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished, or expected them to be.  It’s always better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.

Tenth: Mistakes don't have to be bad-We’ve all made mistakes.  We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve.  But if you think about it, we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices, and even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.  We now have more power to shape our future.  Remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up.  Get back up!  Oftentimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Eleventh: You always have a choice. – No matter what, there are always at least two options.  If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it.  You can sit in the dark, or you can find your inner light and discover powerful pieces of yourself you never knew existed.  You can view a crisis as an invitation to learn something new, viewing the shake-up in your outer world as an enlightening opportunity to wake-up your inner world.

Twelvth: The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me.  Dear Future, I am ready now!”  Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.

Thirteenth: Music makes everything better- Music is a splendid thing. It has the power to take hold of you. It's amazing how one song can evoke different emotions for different people. It can make you happy, sad, aggravated, or even angry.  Music is a form of therapy and can be used as a treatment for feelings that ail you.  Try setting aside a specific amount of time each day for feeling low while you’re waiting for the dark clouds to lift. Next time you get the blues think about making a soundtrack for your sadness session to help you cope with whatever you are going through. Feel sad and have a good cry. After you let it all out get on with your day. 

Travel Tuesday: The Faroe Islands

The Faroe Islands are located in the North Atlantic, halfway between Norway and Iceland. The islands inhabit 48,193 people. Oyrareingir is the largest island and home to 19,000 people.  Klaksvik, the second largest island inhabits 4,600 people. The other islands are Torshavn, Kikjubour, Velbastaour, Nolsoy, Hestur, Koltur, Hoyvik, Argir, Kaldbak, Kaldbaksbotnur, Nororadalur, Syoradalur, Hvitanes, Sund, Kollafjorour, and Signabour. The islands are rugged and treeless.  This archipelago is part of Denmark. Faroese is the national language but English is widely spoken. 80% of the locals are evangelical Lutherans and 10% are Christian brethren. 97% of the islands export is from the fishing industry. The weather is ever changing, one day it's foggy or raining and the next its sunny. The Gulf Stream that encompasses the island tempers the climate which is 3.5*C in the winter and 12*C in the summer. The islands are self governing with their own parliament and flag. All trade is governed by special treaties.  The islands are not part of the European Union.

Multicolored cottages and grass roofed wooden churches add focus to the treeless moorlands. Puffins, skuas, and fulmars glide over the islands. Wave ravaged headlands end in breathtaking cliffs. The biggest island is Streymoy, it's capital is Torshavn. The cities are filled with art and music and it's said that the locals are friendlier than you could ever imagine. The tourist season begins in May and ends in September. If you feel the need for some fresh air, deep blue ocean, vertical cliffs, green mountains, and picturesque valleys remnant of something out of a J.R.R. Tolkein story, then come to the Faroes islands and get lost in the mystical landscapes. 

Work Cited:

Wikipedia.com

Wiki travel.com. 

All pictures courtesy of google images

Thoughtful Thursday

I would love to get to know some of my readers a little better and I was hoping this post might help. I have come up with a list of questions to get your gears turning. The idea here is for you to answer one of the questions in the comments below and I will answer a question each time there is a new comment. Hopefully we can all learn a little about each other. I decided to write a question for every year I've been alive so I hope these get you thinking. 

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
4. What gets you excited about life?
5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
6. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
7. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
8. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
9. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
10. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
11. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
12. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
13. Do you celebrate the things you do have?
14. What is the difference between living and existing?
15. If not now, then when?
16. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
17. What does your joy look like today?
18. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
19. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
20. Which activities make you lose track of time?
21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
22. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
23. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
24. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?
25. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?
26. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
27. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
28. What makes you smile?
29. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
30. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
31. If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
32. What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human?
33. If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?

Beauty on a Budget

Today I am going to let you in on a little secret the beauty industry doesn't want you to know about. It's called the 99cent store. Many women would overlook such a bargain basement location but truth be told gems can be found providing beautification for budget conscious women. 

The 99cent store holds a stigma for providing ineffective beauty products because of their low marked items. The truth of the matter is if you know what to look for you would not only find every item in your vanity chest but you will save a pretty penny in the process. Below I am going to break down the items I found in the 99cent into categories fit for each body part. 

Skin:

Body

 

Face

Hair:

Teeth:

Nails:

Makeup:

Shaving Needs:

First Aid:

Everyone of these items is just 99cents. How could you go wrong? I hope today's post can help all of you budget conscious women save a little money the next time you go shopping for beauty products. 

Enhance Yourself: Allis Alley Fit Tip of the Week

                                  Photo credit: Google images

Have you been keeping up with your New Years resolutions? I'm here to tell you it's ok if you haven't. That doesn't mean the whole year is a wash it just means you have to start over on your resolutions. The most important thing you can do is to keep going and never ever give up!!!!!!!! Like I have said before just make small changes to see a big difference. 

Here's what you can do to enhance the new you this year. Adopt a few new good habits to get started and continue to add more once the first ones stick. By consistently making a handful of small changes you can accomplish just about anything you put your mind to. You could loose up to 20lbs in six months time. A lot of New Years resolutions vow to loose 20lbs in the first month or two of a new diet. That is nearly impossible to do without starving yourself or going on some extreme diet. Even if you decided to take some drastic measures like that, the likely hood of keeping the weight off is slim to none. To loose the weight and keep it off you have to start small and go slow to see the best long term results. So how can you loose 20lbs in just six months? What good habits will you need to adopt along the way?  For starters, try to swap something unhealthy with something healthy just once a day. 

For example swap out one can of soda each day for 12 oz of water.  Research shows that drinking one can of soda, which can add an extra 150 calories and 40 grams of sugar, doesn’t make the stomach feel full so all those empty calories are worthless.  Why not swap those sabotaging sodas with H2O?  You don’t have to give up soda.  In fact I do not want you to if it is something that you enjoy.  I just want you to make smarter choices once a day or at least every once in a while. 

 Another good habit to adopt, especially if you enjoy alcohol a little too much, is to cut back on your drinking.  Drink 3 days a week instead of 7.  The problem with alcohol is that it can add up to 2lbs a week if you have 2 or more alcoholic beverages a day.  Did you know that the average restaurant glass of wine is around 250 calories, sweet alcoholic beverages contain even more.  Think about it, 4 days of wine can add up to 1000 extra calories which can be 15lbs a year if continued at this pace. It is only 4 days a week; allow yourself to drink on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday but go dry from Monday through Thursday. Not only will you cut a substantial amount of calories out of your diet but you will sleep better and you will appreciate that glass of wine all the more because you waited for it. It becomes a little reward for working so hard all week. If you don’t drink soda or alcohol then these habits do not apply to you.  

 So what are some other good habits to enhance the new you? Add some extra physical activity to your routine or switch up the physical activity you are already doing. For example, challenge yourself by doing at least one interval workout a week. Interval training alternates high intensity cardio like high knees, burpees, or sprinting with low intensity cardio like speed walking or jogging.  I like to alternate with 30-50 seconds of high intensity cardio with 20-40 seconds of low intensity cardio for 20-40 minutes at a time. Research shows that interval training can burn up to 36% more body fat than doing other types of cardio at a continuous brisk pace for the same amount of time.  Along with interval training try adding 30 minutes of weight training for every 30 minutes of cardio that you do at least one day a week. A lot of women still hold onto the idea that they have to kill themselves with cardio and do little to no strength training tolose weight. It is true that cardio burns more calories than weight training but only in the short term, whereas weight training gives you a long term metabolic raise. You can burn up to 100 extra calories for up to 3 days after a weight training session. For every 3lbs of muscle you gain you can burn up to 120 more calories a day. So here is what I advise you to do to enhance the new you this year. Swap out half of your brisk steady cardio with interval training and add weight training to the other half of your workouts.  I promise you will start to see big results in a relatively small time.

Once you have mastered these good habits try to adopt a few more.  Adopt good habits like getting 8hrs of sleep a night and going to bed and waking up at the same time 7 days a week. This will improve your overall sleep quality which will lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and effects the hormones Leptin and ghrelin (Appetite controlling hormones). Another good habit is to pick up meditation.  I am not talking about the mantra chanting kind, although that is wonderful too.  I am talking about the deep breathing and relaxing kind.  Once a day for 3 minutes a day you should practice deep breathing.  Just three minutes a day is enough to lower stress levels and lead to a healthier and happier new you. I think you get the picture now, small changes = big results.  My challenge for you today is to adopt just one good habit and make it stick. Do not add another good habit until the first one has become routine and a part of your life you do not plan on giving up. Changing yourself at a slow pace is the best way to see lasting long term results that will lead to a lifetime of good habits and a healthier new you.

 

Tune in next week for another self enhancing tip to improve your life!

Secrets to Removing Women's Facial Hair

Are you using the wrong products on your peach fuzz? We all know what happens when we use the wrong beauty products to remove facial hair. You end up feeling like the bearded lady from Spaceballs.

Just like Lone Star found his Schwartz in Spaceballs you too can find your perfect product to defeat unsightly feminine facial hair. Over 40 million women in the United States are bothered by facial hair. I am sure you have heard the myth that shaving your face will cause the hairs to grow back thicker and darker. The truth is this theory was most likely concocted by the beauty industry to make women spend thousands of dollars trying to eliminate peach fuzz or the dreaded female mustache. The secret to remove facial hair that the beauty industry won't tell you is a simple one, use a razor. While some are better than others, most razors will get the job done. If you razor the fine hairs on your face, your makeup will glide on and your powder and foundation won't become clumpy by attaching to the fuzz on your face. 

There is another secret I an going to share with you. Shaving your face can actually slow down the aging process. Shaving removes the top layers of dead skin and leaves it tight and plump through cellular rejuvenation. 

The moral of this story is: Don't waste your time and hard earned cash on beauty products that promise soft, hair free skin when the answer is already sitting in your bathroom in the form of a $2 leg razor. 

Enhance Yourself: Alli's Alley Fit Tip of the Week

Ring in the new year by enhancing the new you. Are you ready to loose weight, tone your body, and look like a million bucks?  Every week in the new year I am going to write a fitness post filled with nutrition, receipts, exercises, and fit tips that will give you the advantage you need to start seeing results. Don't be that person who vows to make fitness a priority in the new year only to hang up your gym towel in the second month of the year. According to the international health, racquet, and sports club association, more than 12% of gym members join in January in comparison to 8.3% for the years remaining months. I know how hard it is to make the time for exercise but I promise you won't regret it.

 You don't have to run a marathon to get fit all you need is a few minutes at least five times a week. The American heart association suggests working out for 30 minutes a day for five days of the week to maintain a healthy weight and keep physically fit. Just 30 minutes and the best part is that you can break it up. You could do 10 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes at lunch, and 10 minutes at night. It couldn't be easier, just be sure you do it at the same time every day so that it becomes a regular part of your daily routine. If you need a little help recruit a friend to be your fitness buddy and reward yourself when you reach personal goals. This will keep you motivated and yearning for more. Start small, take the stairs instead of the elevator. Use your lunch break to take a long walk and then eat your lunch at your desk when your done. Make a habit of going for a walk around the block after every meal or at least after dinner. It can be family bonding time. If you have kids it is very important to get them involved as weight gain also effects children at epidemic levels. According to a national health and nutrition survey, about 17% of children are obese. You can help reduce this number by choosing to live a lifestyle that sets a good example for our youth. If you choose to live a healthy lifestyle so will your children and other members if your family which will not only help you avoid but will also help your loved ones avoid complications including heart disease, diabetes, and others.  

It's not only about exercising, eating the right foods is essential to the bodies overall health. How you feel today, tomorrow, and in the future weighs heavily upon the food choices you make each and every day. I am going to share some tips and ideas to get you started toward a healthier diet.

1: Be sure you are eating plenty of protein.

This is very important if you are starting a new exercise regime. Also, make sure it's lean protein which will help your body build lean muscle mass. Protein can come from animals in the form of meat, poultry, seafood, and eggs. There is also plant protein from peas, seeds, nuts, soy, and beans. The average individual needs 5 to 7 ounces of protein a day according to the USDA. It is important to vary the protein you eat. Eat seafood twice a week, snack on nuts and seeds then eat meat for the other protein meals you have left in the week. Choose lean or low fat (90%) meat and poultry. Don't be afraid of the egg. One egg a day is not going to increase your risk for heart disease.  If you are still wary of cholesterol then skip the yolk and feel free to eat all the egg whites you want to. For a protein that's low in saturated fat and high in fiber go with beans, peas, soy, nuts, and seeds. For example, hummus, tofu, and veggie burgers are all low fat and high protein. 

2: Make 50% of the grains you eat! whole grains. 

Grains are foods made from oats,barley, cornmeal, rice, or wheat. Switch out your sourdough sandwich beard for a whole wheat version. Sub your white rice with brown rice and opt for whole what pasta the next time your cooking Italian. 

3: Get plenty of calcium. 

Drink your milk, just make it low-fat or non-fat which cuts the calories not the calcium. Swap your cheesy snack with yogurt which has less sodium and more potassium than cheese. If you can't let go of the cheese then opt for low fat versions. Substitute yogurt for recipes that call for sour cream or mayonnaise. I like 2% plain Greek yogurt because it's thick and creamy which is a great consistency for baking.   

4: Eat your veggies. 

The brighter the better and the brighter they are the more vitamins they contain. Don't be afraid of the freezer. Frozen veggies are just as nutritious as the fresh ones and much easier to prepare. 

5: Fruit is your friend. 

Ear plenty of whole fruits instead of just surviving on juice for your fruit intake. Make sure you wash them all before preparing or eating them. Chop up a banana in your cereal or add strawberries to your salads. Keep apples around at all times when you need a quick fiber filled, low calorie, nutritious and delicious snack. 

It is a new year and a new you. Remember to make small changes to your daily routine to see big results. Don't make your goal to loose wight, rather focus on being healthy. Just adding a small amount of movement in your daily routine can make a big difference. Differences like reducing the risk of a heart attack, stroke, and heart disease. It can improve your stability, increase and improve your range of motion, and help you maintain flexibility, increase bone mass by reducing the risk for osteoporosis and fractures, boost your self esteem, alleviate stress, improve mood and memory, and reduce both anxiety and depression. 

Deciding to lead a healthy lifestyle doesn't mean you have to change your whole life drastically. Small changes are the best way to transform your lifestyle and they will lead to big results. 

Fit Tip Of The Day: Be Aware. If you find yourself Sitting a lot then get up and start moving. If you realize you eat more sugars and starches then swap half of them out for whole grains and fruits. The most important thing you can do to make small. Hanged towards a healthier lifestyle is to be aware. 

Therapy Thursday: Common Relationship Issues and How to Resolve Them

Image credit: Google Images

All couples face issues in their relationships. Most issues between committed relationships stem from poor communication. Some issues are bigger than others and some issues are easier to resolve than others. Some of the more common relationship issues that arise are related to money, housework, technology, and miss communication.



Issue: The issue of money in a relationship can arise at any time. Most couples are introduced to it after marriage. That makes perfect sense as newlyweds tend to be younger so in addition to the bills from their recent nuptials they most likely have student loans that are piling up.

Solution: Be honest with each other about your finances. If you have outstanding bills tell your partner about them. Do not hide tax or debt. Set up goal for each other and plan ahead for the future. Construct a budget and choose someone to be the bill payer. Do not place blame or approach a situation having to do with money when you’re mad. Always throw in some discretional independence so you can both have your own money to spend on whatever your heart desires.


Issue: Techno-Incompatibility or sharing different values, behaviors, and appropriate use of communication technology. When this happens a couple will tend to disagree on things like calling or texting to deal with relationship issues, they may share different ideas about what is acceptable to share about the relationship on social media. Tension will arise in the household when both individuals have different expectations towards technology. Sometimes media can be shared experience like going to the movies, playing a video game together, or watching TV together. This kind of traditional media can actually help couples bond. However, other types of media can create problems. Mobile phones are at the top of the problem list for technological items causing issues in relationships. When one person uses their phone in the presence of the other it is taking away from shared activity together. In other words the person using the phone is swapping we time for me time. This begins to happen more often than not and becomes a huge issue in relationships. If your partner is chronically on their cell phone then every time they use their phone they are sending you a non-verbal message that their time with you is not valuable, or special, or interesting enough for them to put me time on hold.

Solution: Have an explicit conversation with your partner to establish relational rules about technology use. If your partner is addicted to their cell or iPad then leave it in the car when you go out or at least leave it in your purse or pocket. Do not set the phone on the table unless it is in an emergency. Create a list of special circumstances or emergencies so you and your partner will be on the same page. Just remember when in doubt, put the phone down.

Issue: Miss Communication or selective hearing. Think back to the first month of a new relationship. At that time you are hanging on every word your partner says and find it all utterly fascinating. So what happens? The honeymoon fades and time passes. People become distracted with things in their lives. They worry about money, work, their family, etc. When you have all these issues yourself it becomes hard to sit and listen to your partner talk about these issues and how much they affect his/her well-being. You begin to tune each other out.

Solution: If you have selective hearing make it a point to pay attention and really listen to what your partner has to say. Offer a shoulder to cry on and advice when needed. This shouldn’t be one sided either it should be a joint effort. Take turns talking and listening to each other until you feel comfortable in knowing your partner has heard you and has done all he/she can do to help. Communication is the key to every successful relationship.


Issue: Housework or a lack thereof. According to a university of Michigan study, having a husband creates an extra 7 hours of housework a week for women. Wives begin to feel unsupported while doing dishes, dusting, vacuuming, washing and putting away clothes. The problem is that men model behavior they grew up with. If your man was raised with a maid or his mother did all the housework then he will continue to think that is the way it’s supposed to be.

Solution: Tell him how important it is to you that he pitches in. Tell him about this study by Gottman’s: When husbands do their share to maintain the home, the couples in the study report a more satisfied sex life.
When dealing with any problem or issue that may arise in your relationship just remember to sit back, relax, and take the simplest approach possible. First, you need to figure out what exactly is bothering you. If it happens to be a lot of things, focus on one at a time. Second, talk about your needs and express what you want from your partner. Be sure you are very detailed when explaining what is bothering you. For Ex: Instead of saying “You are a slob” you should say “I need you to pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper”. Third, acknowledge your partner and do not get defensive. Make sure you listen and stay away from the defense. Tell your partner you are there for them and will do whatever they need you to. Fourth, negotiate with your partner. It takes two and if you do something nice for them maybe they can do something nice for you. Along with communication, relationships are all about compromise. Lastly, always finish what you started. Follow through on your promises. Do your part and make sure they are doing theirs as well. You and your partner are a team so you need to act that way. Be sensitive, consistent, don’t overreact, carry your share, be a good listener, don’t dig up old issues, don’t overreact, don’t place blame, be on time, do what you say you are going to do, and always call if plans change and you are going to be late. Nothing good comes easy. Relationships are hard work but the payoff is what life is all about. Keep an open heart and mind and your relationship will last the test of time.



Sources:

https://www.academia.edu/443601/A_Case_Study_in_Marital_Therapy_Applying_Gottmans_Sound_Marital_House_and_Hudson_and_OHanlons_Brief_Marital_Counseling_Approaches

http://ns.umich.edu/new/releases/6452

RIP James Avery aka Uncle Phil

A New Year A New You

Happy New Year! We survived another year and with every new year brings new beginnings.  What will you do in 2014? What are your New Years resolutions? Keeping a promise to yourself is always a difficult task and most of us pick such grand resolutions we almost set ourselves up for failure. We have good intensions but seem to fall short year after year. Why not break that trend this year and choose New Years resolutions you can actually keep. 

Every year we all tend to set the same goals, workout more, eat healthier, loose weight, save money, get a better job, etc. These are important goals so why do we tend to fall short year after year? The problem lies in the way we set these goals. Taking small steps to a larger goal is a much better approach than taking a giant leap to a giant goal. Make your goals small and you will be more likely to keep them. In the end all those small goals will add up to a giant resolution that you kept. 

So how can this be done? We'll, if your goal is to loose weight don't resolve to loose a set number of lbs or inches.  Instead, set a smaller goal like drinking 8 glasses of water a day and cutting out sugars and starches at least one day a week. Take the stairs instead of the elevator.  Go for a walk everyday at lunch or after dinner. If your goal is to get a better job, then make one networking connection each day or even each week. If your goal is to save money, cut out the coffe shop and cafe a few times a week. Bring your morning beverage and lunch instead.  Once you realize you can accomplish this goal, set another one, and then another.  All these goals will build on top of each other helping you to achieve your weight loss, money saving, career, and other personal goals. 

Today is the perfect time to start fresh and turn a new page. It's time to cut down on your bad habits and choose things in life that will help you grow physically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, and physchologicaly. I have a challenge for you this year, actually I have 5 of them. I am hoping each and every one of you will be able to tackle them. First, I want you to make one change to your behavior. Is there something you have been trying to accomplish but can't seem to get to the finish line no matter how hard you try? Instead of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  Change your behavior towards this thing that you are trying to accomplish. If you modify your behavior it may just be the kick in the butt you need to see this thing through. Secondly, I want you to make your goals public. If you tell everyone what you are setting out to accomplish it will give you the insentive you need to do it. Third, reward your small achievements. If your goal is to loose weight then do something nice for yourself in recognition of each lb you loose. Recognizing your accomplishments will keep you excited and focused on your goals. Fourth, I want you to keep a journal so you can track your progress. Write down everything you do towards reaching your goal. You will then be able to look back and see where you could have done something differently to achieve success or you can look back and mimic exactly what you did because you knew it would lead to success. Lastly, I want you to be easier on yourself. To err is human and making mistakes can actually strengthen the path you have set out for yourself. We learn from our mistakes, they teach us what we shouldn't do next time.  They teach us how to do things better  in the future so we are able to get back on track and continue down life's path. Take a tip from Jagger "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."