January 22, 2013

The Bachelor Recap

 This week our first date goes to Leslie.  Sean takes her to the Guinness World Records museum where he tells Leslie his father has broken the world record for driving around the continental US faster than anyone else.  Sean decides he wants to break a record and Leslie and Sean break the record for the worlds longest on-screen kiss.

After the record breaking day, the two head to the rooftop for an intimate date. 
Soon after, Leslie proclaims she's "falling in love" with Sean, and they make out under the beam of a spotlight on massive rooftop while confetti intimately falls on them.

The only ones not invited on the next day's group date are Ashlee, Sarah and Selma. The rest get to head to the beach, where they find out they will have to team up and play volleyball for a chance to win a group date with Sean.  As the girls bumble through point after point, it comes down to the final serve. Desiree tells us how nervous she is. The camera steps back. Desiree, armed and ready, crushes an overhand serve over the net. The other team whiffs unceremoniously. Game over. Thrilling.

Back on the beach, Desiree lacks no confidence, bragging heavy about her volleyball exploits, and, wow, Sean loves her confidence, dropping what's becoming his signature phrase: "I love that." Tensions are running high between Des and Amanda, who has screwed up her face into kind of a disgusted arrogance that's really quite impressive. The girl has no facial filter in relation to her mood.  When she gets Sean, she tells him, "you know everything you're looking for in a wife?" and points to herself, and he loves that too. Did I mention she's not lacking in confidence either?

Des, however, does not approve, bitching to Kacie B. about "questionable" Amanda's two-faced-ness. "I don't know if she's here for Sean... She's just kind of dark and just kind of creepy," she says. As Des ponders what the scary, gothic fit model Amanda is really here for (my money is on the hors d'oeuvres), it's Kacie B.'s turn with Sean, and, you know what? She's going to be a little selfish, she tells us.

Apparently, Kacie B.'s definition of selfish means "narking about other people's problems in a way that makes you look really bad," which is sort of weird, because that's not what I thought selfish meant at all. "I don't think he'll tolerate drama," she says, before unloading a bunch of tedious bullshit drama on Sean, who is extremely confused as to why she's saying something to him. "More importantly, why are you involving yourself?" Always with the irony, Kacie replies, "I'm not a drama person... I just can't be myself," and with that, she has fallen complelety head over heels onto her own sword and is now just kind of really letting it gut her. "I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person I'm seeing," Sean tells her. Yikes.

Lindsay actually steals the rose, much to the chagrin of Des and Amanda. She has a nice little talk with Sean at the beginning of the date that was so forgettable, I felt like Amanda's face when Lindsay received the rose. Nice girl, though.

Just before the next day's date, Tierra steps her game up and "falls" down the stairs, prompting an ambulance appearance and some time with Sean. Ashlee is NOT pleased.

When they get the date going, they go to Six Flags, where the amusement park has been shut down so that Sean and Ashlee can join Brianna and Emily, two teens with a serious mitochondrial disease, for a day of fun, because Sean enjoys charity work.

When they get alone time, Ashlee unspools a very intense story about being abused in a foster home and subsequently adopted by her parents that brings Sean to tears. Her optimism and perseverance moves Sean, and she nabs a deserved rose.

On the last night, Sean wants to reassure Sarah, so he has the show bring her dog to the house in its own limousine, obviously. It's pretty cutthroat from there, as Tierra starts the night with Sean, then Desiree steals him, and Tierra steals him back, infuriating the other girls, who one-by-one steal Sean away from one another while Des sits on a bench assuming he's going to come back. Ashlee, who already has a rose but apparently gives no fucks, cuts off Kacie B. trying to redeem herself. The games have certainly begun, and the long faces are showing it. As they gather to say goodnight, Sean describes the night as "incredible." That's certainly one way to describe it, Sean; there are some lethal strangulation-in-your-sleep vibes going on in that room right now.

At the next night's ceremony, with rose in hand, Sean asks Kacie B. to leave the room, and her fate has been sealed. Sean has failed to develop romantic feelings for Kacie as she gloriously self-destructed in front of his very eyes (but NOT in a dramatic way, because she is NOT a drama person.) He sends her home. "Last time I left here with no regrets," says Kacie B., "And this time... there are regrets."

He picks Tierra first, and then continues down the line. The last three standing are Desiree, Kristy and Taryn, among which he obviously picks Des. Kristy and Taryn are sent packing.  Until next week!

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