January 8, 2013

The Bachelor Recap: 50 Shades of Crazy!


Last night was the first episode of the bachelor 2013.  As the show started we were immediately reminded of why we all love Sean so much, as we were taken on an emotional ride down memory lane, seeing the super confident Sean not receive the final rose from Emily during last season and having to take the walk of shame, sniff, sniff, snot, snot.
I don't know about anyone else but I fell in love with Sean all over again and just wanted to give him a big ole hug. However, he got his fair share of hugs as the ladies arrived and even had one of the ladies try to slip him a little tongue. Yuck, lady!
Arie visited to give his jilted pal some tips on how to find love this season -- while also offering up what may have been the most uncomfortable moment of the evening: kissing lessons. Yeah, Arie, let the ladies show Sean what makes for a good kiss!
Time to meet the ladies:
K elly used her cruise ship entertaining skills when she sang Sean a little country song right off the bat. Ashley, a Fifty Shades of Grey fan, pulled a silver tie out of her cleavage and said, "Maybe you could teach me how to use this later?" Yes, that happened. And yes, it was awkward.
But not as awkward as when Robyn tried to make her entrance by doing backflips in her gown, and then fell down. So embarrassing, but hey, you gotta give the girl some credit for trying. And then we meet Tierra, who showed Sean that she has an incomplete heart tattoo on her ring finger, and hopes that he will be the one to complete it.
After a long silence which even got us feeling uncomfortable, Lowe said he'd be right back. Wait, what?! What's happening?
"So tonight I'm going to break the rules a little bit," Sean told her. "You just have this sweet, exciting—I don't know how to describe it—but you just have such a good energy, and I'd like for you to stick around a little bit longer, so, with that being said, Tierra, do you accept this rose?"
What?! She already scored a rose! Let the catty claws come out.
Dianna 30, is a divorced salon owner with two children. Is Sean ready for a microwave family? There was no conversation about divorce or her already having children during the initial meet and greet. Do you save this valuable information for after you receive a rose? I think not. It could be a deal breaker and I'd rather have my deal broken sooner than later. Tsk, tsk, tsk single mommy -- no secrets!
The stunning Sarah, 26 years old, is absolutely gorgeous and was born with one arm. This imperfect beauty was the recipient of what she called "a perfect rose -- no thorns." It will be interesting to see how long she sticks around (hopefully for genuine emotion and not to drag us along for a sympathy ride). She may very well be one of the most attractive ladies in the bunch and wants to be treated like the rest of the gals. We'll see.
Ashley P. is 28 and Fifty Shades of CRAZY! Said she has no idea why she's still single. Try these on for size, Ash: You talk to your cat, your initial hope was that Sean would meet you, rip your clothes of and spank you, you showed up and pulled a necktie out of your boobs and offered it up to be bound and gagged, you got drunk awaiting the rose ceremony and did a little stripper dance. Those could be just a few reasons you're still single. Some guys dig all of that, but perhaps not one who "loves Jesus" in his Twitter profile. We'll ask Sean to pray for your crazy lil' soul!
Leslie, 25, Lesley trots up to Sean carrying a football in the coolest Heisman pose she can muster in a tight fitting electric blue frock. She convinces him to position himself as the center while she stands behind him calling random plays. As he's bent over the ball, waiting for any indication that Lesley is ready for him to hike; he soon realizes that she's just there to admire the view. Well played, Lesley. This girl will go far.
If Kristy, a 25-year-old model says "The best from the Midwest" one more time, I'm voting her off the island.
Then there's Ashlee, 32, a professional OCD organizer. Adopted. 6 Foster homes. Cried within 5 minutes of the show. Oh, Ashlee.
Jackie, 25, stepped out of the limo, put on lipstick to ummmm, "put her mark" on Sean and planted a big red one on his cheek. Just as I reached to wipe my TV screen to get that off his cheek, out steps Selma, 29, with a Kleenex! Wipe, wipe, wipe. Thanks, Selma.
Leslie, 29, said "Holy Toledo" and called Sean "Mr. McSteamy." What are we, 12?
Daniella, Ms. touchy feely, with her "I'll see you inside," in her sex kitten voice -- I don't have her sticking around long.
Kelly from Tennessee, wrote a song about "us," and played it. Ummmm, "American Idol" auditions are on another channel.
Katie is barefoot yoga instructor. That's it. Namaste.
Tarryn seems to be the only chick that didn't have a disturbing reality TV show stalker crush on Sean. She never watched the show and was interested in getting to know him as he got to know her without any prior knowledge. We like Tarryn.
Here's Robyn again (remember sticky note, teaching-myself-Spanish Robyn?). She also knows how to do a back flip, sort of kind of. She steps out of the limo in a full length gown, gets into position and hits a single back flip, perfectly, goes in for back flip number two and FLOPS!!! What on Earth made you step out of a limo in a gown and flip? Backhand flip, FLOP, wiped out on the cobblestone driveway. Flop.
And Lacey, "most people call me Lace, I cut a heart out of a cheesy piece of lace and would like for you to keep it in your pocket all night and think of me." Yawn.
Paige, 25, is one of two women with interesting ideas about traveling. She said she would have walked from Minnesota to California to meet him. From the crazed look in her eyes, I believe her.
Amanda the fitness model gained some points with Sean with her "awkward moment." She offered up the opportunity to get the awkward silent moment out of the way and stood there silently with Sean and did a pretty good job of breaking the ice. Bravo, Amanda.
Bizarre transportation lady number two: Kerianne drove 2,777 miles to be with Sean. I'm guessing no one told her about airplanes.
We meet Brooke, Diana, Ashley H., "Hi Ken, I'm you're Barbie" Lauren and Lindsey. Lindsey. Lindsey. Lindsey. She showed up in a wedding gown and tried to throw her tongue down his throat. I'm guessing Lindsey has not a friend in the world, as someone should have told her that showing up dressed for your wedding with a dude you've never met just may creep him out a bit.
That wraps up the 25 ladies all single, super available and willing to give Sean everything for a chance to be Mrs. Lowe -- and then there were 26?
Kacie's back. Yeah that Kacie. Ben's show Kacie; even Kacie wants a chance to be with Sean. This is going to be a very interesting season. Interesting indeed. Kacie?
Sean heated things up a bit, giving Des the "first impression" rose, then shook things up a heck of lot more as he proceeded to give out 11 more "first impression" roses -- 12 women with roses before the rose ceremony!
Insecurities were heightened, cat claws were out, drama was brewing and seven more were awarded roses during the ceremony. Amanda. Leslie H. Kacie, yes Kacie. Christie. Daniella. Tarryn and even wedding dress clad Lindsey (perhaps she's on to something). Next first date, I'm showing up in a wedding gown.
Who went home:

Paige from "Bachelor Pad," the country singer and Ashley H.

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