May 31, 2012

Understanding The Gender Gap

  Men always say they do not understand the female sex and vice versa, but what exactly do we not get about each other, and why?  For starters, men and women speak in completely different languages.  This is because men think compartmentally and women think globally.  Men and women store info and data differently in their brains.  Men separate details and store them in different compartments, like a cabinet drawer system, in random order.  So men open and close drawers needed for the immediate moment, staying in that compartment.  Nothing else exists but that one drawer at that one moment.  Women do the complete opposite and connect things up seeing life more globally.  Women see how details and data have underlying and interrelated connections.  Both ways of thinking, compartmentally and globally are great ways to think with their own strengths and weaknesses.  Put them together and things start to get interesting. 
   Yes, men tell women what they think we want to hear and women tell men what we think they want to hear.  There are some universal truths that women believe all men should, but don’t understand.  The following lists are to help give men and women a better idea of what’s going through our minds.  Each was answered from a different woman or man.
Things guys don’t understand about women:
Q: “Why can’t you create a central location for your hair ties?”
A: Truth is we really don’t know the answer to this one as we are constantly missing them and buying more
Q: “Why are women so afraid of bugs and rodents, yet they can poor hot wax on themselves and rip it out by their roots?”
A: Because bugs are gross, they can bite, and you have no idea what they can do.  Hot wax is no biggie and what’s a little pain for beauty.
Q: What is with girls and drama?  Why do you make life like an episode of Dawson’s creek?  Do you ever get over an argument?
A: We remember ever little thing that guys are oblivious to and like Oprah says, “When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.”
Q: Why does the onslaught of hormones take women by surprise?  You know it’s coming why can’t you just tell men not to listen because you’re hormonal?
A: We really should do this
Q: Why do women have so many pairs of shoes?
A: The shoes always fit no matter the dress size.
Q: Why do you say one thing and mean something else?  Like telling men to watch the game and then getting mad when we do.
A:  Probably because girls are trained to be accomadating and happy all the time.  Sometimes going against what they really think.
Q:  Why can’t women speak more directly? You know they want something but they don’t come out and say it. They walk around the issue.
A:  Fear of making someone else mad, disappointing, not saying the right thing, and avoiding confrontation.
Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men:
  Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected.  Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly.

  Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn's research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.

  A man's anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife.  When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, "You're disrespecting me!" But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.

  Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren't cutting it in life -- not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don't receive this affirmation from their wives, they'll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.

   Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family.  Intellectually, it doesn't matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It's not a burden they've chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.

  Men want more sex. Everyone's natural response to this is probably, "Duh!" But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their "needs"). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn's research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man's sense of feeling loved and desired.

Sex means more than sex.  When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative effect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!

  Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn't just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the godliest husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of "visual rolodex"; that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can't control when these images appear.

  Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic.  True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn't mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands' confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it's likely that he's asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What's not romantic about that?

  Men care about their wife's appearance. This isn't saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.

Men want their wives to know how much they love them.
This was the number one response of men. Men aren't confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.

Things she wishes you knew:
Fine is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look
I expect you to call me
Most of the time when I fantasize it’s about you
I will leave you if you cheat or lie
I love it when you come up behind me and whisper in my ear
I am very impressed when you ask for advice
I am more forgiving of you than I should be
Oral sex is your get of jail free card.  Manolo Blahniks do the trick as well
Shoes determine whether you’re fashionable or not
You did something bad I seem cool with it, I’m not
I am unimpressed when you don’t take the lead
When in doubt go with the shirt that matches your eye color
I am in heaven when you hold my hand
I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you
I love surprises
Discussions of ex girlfriends should be avoided at all times
I love it when you tell me what you’re thinking even if you don’t know yourself
I love it when you’re sweaty
It’s best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas
A lady should always be greeted with a kiss
I remember everything about our relationship
You should know all this and more without my telling you

     Men and women keep secrets to.  If you ask us to communicate, we think it's a trap. Women say they want men to be honest, but when men let it rip, women don't like the answers.  There are things men tell their buddies that they do not tell their girlfriends or wives. The shoe can also be on the other foot. As a woman, sometimes it is hard to get a man to open up and there are things women tell their girlfriends that they don’t tell their husbands.

Secrets Men Keep from Women:
  Yes, it's about sex. Men like sex, men like variety. Men like women that enjoy sex, enjoy variety, and are active partners in sex. 
  A man is less likely to feel romantic if a woman is making his life miserable. If you want to cuddle, don’t start a fight over leaving the toilet seat up or not taking out the garbage, Buzz kill.
  Men are passionate about the things women hate. In general, when men tell you they don't like cartoons, stoner movies, action movies, motorcycles, South Park, sports, firearms, the Simpsons, and ESPN, etc. they are lying so that they can have sex with you. 
  Men don't like women's entertainment. I'd rather eat glass than watch Bridget Jones, but I've watched it for sex.
  There's only 24 hours in a day. Eight hours of sleep, ten hours at work, two hours commute, 90 minutes at the gym, and 90 minutes cooking, eating, and washing up leaves only one hour each day for "us" or "me" time. Keep your expectations reasonable and share. 
  Women have cold hands, feet, butts, and other body parts. Men are not your personal heaters. Warm them or keep them to yourself.
   A man's willingness to put up with a women's B.S. is directly proportional to how hot they are. Yes, men will kiss a beautiful women's ass for sex, that doesn't mean you're going to get the same treatment.
  When women say they want to sit down and talk, men hear "I'm pissed." You never want to talk about things we like, like sports, so telling us you want to talk sends us the signal that you want to bring up something that's bothering you. You might fool us once in a while by actually wanting to talk about something the other sex is interested in. Men have to, it's called dating.
  Men hate dating because we have to lie. Lying isn't fun. We can't wait to be married so we can really tell you how we feel about Bridget Jones. Unless he's a jerk, a man's happiest day is when he no longer has to lie to have sex.
  Working out doesn't count unless you sweat. We don't want to hear about how tough your  yoga class was if all the girls in class are wearing makeup.
Secrets Women Keep from Men:
  Yes it is about money! We can’t afford the dress and shoes and will try to bribe you to get them for us
  A woman is less likely to feel romantic if a man is just lying on the couch, farting and all sweaty. If you want sex get up and go take a shower.
Women are passionate about the things men like.
Women don't really like Sunday afternoon and Monday night football.
  There is only 24 hours in a day and we women are not your personal maids. We don't get paid for cooking and cleaning up after you. So do your part and help without us having to ask you to. We will love you more for it.
  We will take cold feet, hands, butts and everything over sweaty, stinky feet, hands and butt any day!
  Women hate dating because we have to dress to impress you guys and act like a prima donna at dinner, when all we want to do is be ourselves. We also do not know if you will ask us to split the tab or say you forget your wallet at home.
  You can work out all you want. While women like a man with a buff doesn't count if your body is buff but your attitude is nasty.

  Women wish their men knew that they are struggling with low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. The wise man will constantly seek to bolster a woman’s confidence with compliments about her looks, how she runs her life, manages her home and her job.
  Women wish their men knew that successfully coping with the chores of a home, raising and caring for the kids – especially while employed outside the home – is often frustrating and stressful. The smartest thing a man can do is show his awareness of how much a woman actually does.
  Women wish men knew how lonely, bored and isolated they feel when men give too much attention to their careers or leisure pursuits and not enough to them.
  Women wish their men knew that what makes a man sexy is not so much his looks as his actions. A man can help his mate get into a sexy mood through acts and words that demonstrate his love such as tenderness and affection
  Women wish men knew that their moods and feelings can be affected by things like monthly cycles, pregnancy and menopause. A man should educate himself about the changes his wife experiences in her body during these times. There are plenty of websites on the subject.
  Women wish their men knew they want to be in first place when conflicts develop between wife and mother-in-law. When a man sees a conversation between his wife and his mother heading for a dispute, he should diplomatically resolve it in his wife’s favor – or at least change the subject.
  Women wish their men knew that as they get into their 50s, 60s and 70s, they still think and feel as they did when they were younger and need to receive the same amount of love, affection and respect from their men as they did in their earlier years. Men should know that a kiss, flowers, a tender look across the room can do wonders for a woman’s mood and self-esteem

Let me know what you think?  Did you find this helpful and/or truthful?  Would you add anything to these lists? 

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